 Many parents with whom I work find themselves frustrated by their children’s noncompliance. They express this concern in several ways, most typically saying things like “he just doesn’t listen” or “I can’t get it through his head” or “he just doesn’t seem to understand.” They explain, argue, exhort, plead, bseech, threaten, and yell, all to no avail. Their exasperation increases, but the noncompliance continues. As with any search for a solution to a problem, it is preferable to 1. begin at the beginning and 2. use the simplest solution available.
With a noncompliant child, beginning simply means clearly communicating that you expect to be obeyed. However, this simple beginning often involves taking two fundamental steps which, despite their simplicity and effectiveness, cause many parents discomfort. Let’s examine these steps, discuss what causes this discomfort, and then see why that discomfort is misplaced. Tell, don’t ask. If you have decided that your child must do as you expect, the chances that he will comply are greatly enhanced if you tell him (“Put your pajamas on, brush your teeth, and get ready for bed”) rather than ask him (“How about getting ready for bed?”). When you make a request rather than direct your child, the request, by its very nature, contains the option to decline. If the child does indeed have the right to decline, than a request is clearly in order (“Could you please help me bring in the groceries?”). But if your child must do as you expect and has no choice, state your message in the form of a directive (“Put your toys away and get ready for dinner”) rather than a question (“Would you please finish your homework?”).
Many parents instinctively resist this notion. They have bought into the fiction that to direct their children is somehow demeaning, damaging to a child’s self-esteem, or harmful to the parent/child relationship. Consequently, they find themselves tip-toeing around the issue of compliance, imploring the child to find it in her heart to possibly do what the parents wishes. As a result, the parent inadvertently creates the very conditions they wished to avoid--a noncompliant child who accomplishes little, along with continual discord between parent and child.
Parents uncomfortable with the notion of telling their children what to do will sometimes take a half-step in the right direction by making a statement but then attaching the word okay to the end (“Come on, pick up your toys, okay?”). In doing so, they make a question out of a statement, turn a directive into a request, send an inherently confusing message, and undermine their own authority by beseeching the cooperation of their children .
Despite the thinking of many well-meaning parents, there need be nothing unpleasant about directing your child to complete a task, take an action, or stop an unacceptable behavior. Keep in mind that, just as a request can be made harshly, a directive can-- indeed should--be done calmly. The simple fact that you are telling rather than asking is not, by itself, harsh or demeaning. As you find your use of directives increasing compliance and decreasing arguments, there is less turmoil between you and your child and thus less opportunity for injury to that relationship.
Avoid please and thank you. There is no more difficult adjustment that I ask parents to make than this one. Most parents have an instinctive reaction to the notion that, by failing to use the words please and thank you, they are not being courteous to their children. They object that failure to use the “magic words” will teach their children to be impolite, and that it is the parents’ duty to teach courtesy.
It is clearly a parent’s obligation to teach and model civility. But courtesy is not called for in every circumstance that you encounter with your child. While you will have numerous opportunities to be courteous to your children, incidents of noncompliance are not among them. And my experience has shown me that, in many instances where parents use please and thank you, nothing else in their message is at all polite (“Would you please grow up and quit acting like a baby?!”).
There are two reasons why please and thank you are not called for in matters of compliance. First, as with the distinction between telling and asking, please indicates that the child has an option in the matter. If the child does have that choice, then by all means the use of please is indicated. But if the child has no choice, the word please suggests not courtesy but confusion, not civility by inconsistency.
Second, the use of the words please and thank you when speaking with another indicates that the other person is doing us a personal service (“Could you please get the door for me?”) or some manner of favor (“Would you please pass the salt?”). When your children complete a chore, clean their mess, or stop writing on the wall, they are not, as pleased as you may be, providing a service to you. They are simply being responsible for themselves or doing what needs to be done as you, the person with the more wisdom, has decided needs to be done.
So, if your child needs to do the behavior because you have decided so, and it is a matter of their individual responsibility rather than a personal favor to you, use a directive instead of a request and avoid the use of please and thank you. You will have plenty of opportunity to make civil requests and to model civility to your children. Combining the directive with the absence of please and thank you is one of many ways that the family hierarchy is supported. It helps avoid further problems that may stem from confusion about who is ultimately in charge.
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