DIRECTING VS. REQUESTING
Many parents with whom I work find themselves frustrated by their children’s noncompliance. They express this concern in several ways, most typically saying things like “he just doesn’t listen” or “I can’t get it through his head” or “he just doesn’t seem to understand.” They explain, argue, exhort, plead, beseech, threaten, and yell, all to no avail. Their exasperation increases, but the noncompliance continues.
As with any search for a solution to a problem, it is preferable to 1. begin at the beginning and 2. use the simplest solution available. With a noncompliant child, beginning simply means clearly communicating that you expect to be obeyed. However, this simple beginning often causes many parents discomfort. Let’s examine what causes this discomfort, and then see why that discomfort is misplaced.
Tell, don’t ask. If you have decided that your child must do as you expect, the chances that he will comply are greatly enhanced if you tell him (“Put your pajamas on, brush your teeth, and get ready for bed”) rather than ask him (“How about getting ready for bed?”). When you make a request rather than direct your child, the request, by its very nature, contains the option to decline. If the child does indeed have the right to decline, than a request is clearly in order (“Could you please help me bring in the groceries?”). But if your child must do as you expect and has no choice, state your message in the form of a directive (“Put your toys away and get ready for dinner”) rather than a question (“Would you please finish your homework?”).
Many parents instinctively resist this notion. They have bought into the fiction that to direct their children is somehow demeaning, damaging to a child’s self-esteem, or harmful to the parent/child relationship. Consequently, they find themselves tip-toeing around the issue of compliance, imploring the child to find it in her heart to possibly do what the parents wishes. As a result, the parent inadvertently creates the very conditions they wished to avoid--a noncompliant child who accomplishes little, along with continual discord between parent and child.
Parents uncomfortable with the notion of telling their children what to do will sometimes take a half-step in the right direction by making a statement but then attaching the word okay to the end (“Come on, pick up your toys, okay?”). In doing so, they make a question out of a statement, turn a directive into a request, send an inherently confusing message, and undermine their own authority by beseeching the cooperation of their children .
Despite the thinking of many well-meaning parents, there need be nothing unpleasant about directing your child to complete a task, take an action, or stop an unacceptable behavior. Keep in mind that, just as a request can be made harshly, a directive can--indeed should--be done calmly. The simple fact that you are telling rather than asking is not, by itself, harsh or demeaning. As you find your use of directives increasing compliance and decreasing arguments, there is less turmoil between you and your child and thus less opportunity for injury to that relationship.