Ending Homework Hassles
As school begins, many parents will again be spending many unsatisfying evenings engaged in battle with their kids over homework. For some families, homework consumes much of the evening and is an endeavor that is unpleasant at best and downright nasty at worst.
As with any concern involved in the raising of your children, homework must be seen in the context of your goals for parenthood. The primary goal of parenthood is that you finish your job by turning out into the world a young adult who can stand on his feet and make his way in the world with responsibility, self-reliance, and character. Homework provides you with a great forum to teach your children these values. Let's look at some valuable pointers to give your kids an opportunity to develop these skills while at the same time giving you some peace:
1. Keep in mind why your child has homework. Why do kids have
homework? To ruin their evenings? To ruin their parents' evenings? The
purpose of homework is to develop self-discipline and academic rigor. It is
an opportunity to develop self-reliance, initiative, and responsibility. It can
be an area of achievement and accomplishment in the child's realm, separate
from his parents.
2. Be clear that homework is the child's responsibility. Children don't
believe what you say, they only believe what you do. Therefore,
demonstrate by your actions that it is the child's, not your, task. The child is
to start it and complete it on his own.
3. It must be done. Find out from teachers, not your child, if it is being done.
4. Establish a stopping time. Set a time after which no homework can be
done in the evening. This may seem counterproductive, but it prevents the
homework process from going on all night. It also allows for something to
take place in the evenings other than homework. If the child wants to rise
early the next morning to complete it, great.
4. Focus on outcome, not process. This is probably the most important part
of a successful homework plan. Don't allow your child to suck you into the
vortex of the homework hassle. As the parent, your concern is that it is
completed. Stay out of the process. Don't remind, prod, plead, direct,
inquire, etc. Be clear that you expect completion. Since it is his
responsibility, let him do it his way. Now that your focus is on process,
don't dictate how it is to be done, just that it is done. Don't tell them where
or how they must do their homework, just insist on its completion.
5. Provide assistance if asked, and then only if asked politely. You are
available to provide a minimum of assistance, just enough to get them started
on their own again. You are willing to help, but you are not willing to be
abused. At the first hint of incivility, your help is over for that evening.
6. Apply penalties for noncompletion. Avoid incessant lecturing and
expressions of frustration. Simply impose whatever penalty is meaningful to
the child while saving your breath.
7. If necessary, get outside assistance. Sometimes, homework problems
come to contaminate the parent-child relationship. If your child is struggling
and doesn't work well with you, engage someone to assist him. Some
parents view this as failure, but when my children needed braces, I didn't
take them in the basement and slap some on them--I consulted a
professional. You may wish to do the same here, leaving you to be the
parent while you assign an agent of yours (e.g., a tutor) to look after
homework.
Try these tips and see if they don't bring you much relief as well as improved homework performance.