Lying: A Solution
There is little that frustrates parents more than when their children lie. When parents either suspect their child is lying or actively catch their children in a lie, what usually occurs is an unsatisfying exchange marked by increasing emotional intensity that goes something like this:
“Did you break the vase?”
“No.”
“Now, the vase was broken when there was no one else in the
room, so it had to be you.”
“It wasn’t me!”
“Well, if it wasn’t you, who was it?”
“I didn’t do it!”
“You’re not in trouble; I just want to know what happened.”
“I tell you, I didn’t do it.”
“Look, you’ll get in more trouble for lying than breaking the vase.
Just tell what what happened.”
“It wasn’t me, I swear!”
The more the parent bears down to gain the child’s acknowledgment, the more the child insists that the blame is not his.
Although the child in this example is lying, he’s really doing something else: he’s backing and filling, trying to buy time to figure out the implications of the vase-breaking incident. While he is denying his guilt, he is also trying to answer a number of questions:
What does it mean that I’ve broken the vase?
How much trouble am I in?
What will my parents do?
Is it better to try to lie my way out of this predicament or just
admit responsibility?
A better approach for the parent is this: once you realize that your child is lying, back off. Say something like this: “I’m going to put in a load of laundry (or make a phone call, or watch the rest of my TV show). While I’m gone, I’d like you to think about a few things, like what happened with the vase; how much we value truthfulness in this family; and that your parents tend to be fairly reasonable about these matters. After a few minutes, we’ll talk.”
This approach gives the child some time to think through these questions, both yours and his, without the pressure of you hovering over him while interrogating him in an accusatory manner. Given this time to reflect, rather than feeling pressured to answer immediately, I find that most children tell the truth in the moment and are more likely to be truthful in the future.