Mind Your Manners
Limit the use of please and thank you. There is no more difficult adjustment that I ask parents to make than this one. Most parents believe that, by failing to use the words please and thank you, they are not being courteous to their children. They object that failure to use the “magic words” will teach their children to be impolite, and that it is the parents’ duty to teach courtesy.
It is clearly a parent’s obligation to teach and model civility. But courtesy is not called for in every circumstance that involves your child. While you will have numerous opportunities to be courteous to your children, incidents of noncompliance are not among them. And my experience has shown me that, in many instances where parents use please and thank you, nothing else about their message is at all polite (“Would you please grow up and quit acting like a baby?!”).
There are two reasons why please and thank you are not called for in matters of compliance. First, please indicates that the child has an option in the matter. If the child does have that choice, then by all means the use of please is indicated. But if the child has no choice, the word please suggests not courtesy but confusion, not civility but inconsistency.
Second, the use of the words please and thank you when speaking with another indicates that the other person is performing a personal service (“Could you please get the door for me?”) or some manner of favor (“Would you please pass the salt?”). When your children complete a chore, clean their mess, or stop writing on the wall, they are not, as pleased as you may be, providing a service to you. They are simply being responsible for themselves or doing what needs to be done as you, the person with the more wisdom, has decided needs to be done.
So, if your child needs to perform the behavior because you have decided so, and it is a matter of their individual responsibility rather than a personal favor to you, use a directive instead of a request and avoid the use of please and thank you. You will have plenty of opportunity to make civil requests and to model civility to your children. Combining the directive with the absence of please and thank you is one of many ways that the family hierarchy is supported and helps avoid further problems that may stem from confusion about who is ultimately in charge.