Parents concerned about angry children typically see two solutions: 1) emotional expression of the anger or 2) counseling to get at its "roots". Each of these approaches is misguided and usually produces little progress. Sometimes, they make things even worse. Let's look of some of the dynamics involved:
1. Keep it in. Parents of angry children commonly think that their kids need to "get the anger out." They will sometimes encourage their children to punch a pillow, hit a punching bag, or scream. Research shows that these aggressive expressions of anger lead to even more anger expressed even more aggressively. What actually works better is to keep the anger in and communicate it in calm, non-aggressive ways (more on that in a minute). We all experience anger--people who successfully manage it do so without additional aggression.
2. We know the "root" of the problem. What parents view as anger is more likely frustration. Kids get angry when they don't like what's happening or when they don't get their way. If you tell your children that they must do something they would prefer not to, or you direct them to stop doing something they would prefer to continue, they will experience frustration--don't we all? So, there is no "root" to get at. Rather, it is a matter of discouraging unacceptable behavior and teaching alternate ways to handle frustration. Counseling that focuses on emotional expression rather than teaching skills to manage unpleasant feelings will likely be ineffective.
3. Penalize unacceptable behavior. If your child screams, hits, kicks, name-calls, or engages in other unacceptable behavior when angry, attack the behavior with some manner of penalty delivered calmly. Don't meet the child's emotional behavior with your own emotion. Sometimes this means waiting until the child has calmed to deliver the penalty.
4. Use a helpful means of expression. Expression of anger is essential if kids are to learn to effectively manage it. The key is calm expression. Teach your children to express their anger and frustration calmly in discussion with you. You might also have them draw a picture or write about their frustrations as a manner of expression.
In summary, no circumstance excuses angry outbursts when frustrated. Calm expression rather than emotional action is the way to help your children learn to effectively manage their anger.