Praise
I recently attended a basketball game played by eight-year-olds. Sitting near me was a parent who apparently believed that her purpose at the game was to effusively praise every movement performed by the kids on the floor.
No matter how good or poorly a child performed, she would enthuiastically yell. "Good job" in their direction. She would say this--"Good job!!!"--whether the child made a basket or threw the ball out of bounds.
One particular young man turned in a rather unimpressive few minutes of play. He threw the ball to his opponents, missed every shot he took, and on one occasion ran in the wrong direction. All of that was fine--he's only eight, and it is the rare eight-year-old who has the psychomotor coordination to perform well the skills required by the game of basketball.
What wasn't fine was this lady's response to his performance. When the coach mercifully removed him from the game, she loudly shouted her praise for his play, even though everyone in the gym, including the child, knew that his performance was poor. I assume that she believed that she was doing a good thing--she was not. Despite her best intentions, her efforts were misguided and did more harm than good. Let's look at why.
When all behavior is lauded, no distinction is made among those behaviors. There is no separation between that which is good and that which is less good or not good at all. If everything is praiseworthy, then nothing is.
Kids know this. When we praise all behavior, we lose credibility with the child. And the child, rather than feeling good in the wake of our response, feels patronized. He comes to know that he need not take our evaluation of him seriously.
When this child truly does something praiseworthy, on the basketball court or off, praise from this lady will not have the intended effect. He will have come to not take her evaluations seriously. It is the adult version of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."
A better response would have been to, in a private moment, acknowledge his disappointment or frustration. This would have been a genuine conversation, not a rote, one-size-fits-all reaction to his behavior. If she wanted to praise him, she could have noted his determination, or stick-to-it-iveness, or his ability to hang in there when things weren't going so well.
So, be careful with praise. Don't dilute its potential effect by praising everything a child does right or well. Ladle out praise carefully, so the child will take seriously the comments you make about his behavior. Read the next blog to learn more about how to praise effectively.