School "Phobia"
As the school year begins, I will receive a half-dozen calls from parents, some of them frantic, regarding their child's "school phobia." Their children become very upset at the prospect of going to or entering the school building. They may scream, cry, hyperventilate, and protest vigorously, stating that they cannot or will not go to school. They may attempt to negotiate school attendance or simply plead with their parents to not send them.
Parents are typically dumbfounded by this behavior. They start an investigation into the causes of this upset but rarely discover any. They try to understand their child's emotion, but conversation seldom produces any useful information, because the child does not know the basis of the fear. All the child knows is that entering the school building is very upsetting.
Let's look at the dynamics of "school phobia" along with the solution for it. Several points:
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There is no such thing as school phobia. A much better and more accurate term is school reluctance or school refusal. While the child is clearly upset about going to school or leaving home, it is not a phobia in the psychiatric sense. The child is not afraid of school. Besides, calling it a phobia places the solution for it in the hands of psychiatric experts rather than in the hands of the parents and the child, where it better belongs and can more efficiently be solved.
- If the child is not afraid of school, what is the fear about? The child is afraid of being afraid. This fear of fear response is not uncommon. It comes down to the fact that these children are frightened by their own arousal, and they are unable to connect that emotion to any specific cause. That's why logical conversation about it proves so futile. It certainly makes sense to investigate if your child is being teased or bullied at school to rule those possibilities, but I have never, in more than thirty years of working with the problems of children, found this to be the cause of such upset.
- Parents, in partnership with school personnel, can solve this problem in a very simple fashion. While the solution is simple and straight-forward, it is not necessarily easy. Here is my simple three-step approach:
1. The evening before school, make the following statement to your child: "Tomorrow morning you will go to school. You will get up, have breakfast, dress, brush your teeth, gather your school supplies, and I/we will take you to school. You can be upset if you choose, that's okay. You can cry, scream and plead with us to leave you home. We will not talk with you about that. You will get in the car. If you refuse, I/we will put you in the car. When you get to school, you will go in the building. If you refuse, I/we will carry you into the building with, if necessary, the help of the teacher, principal, or counselor. You can be as upset as you choose to be, but this is the way it will go."
Say no more than this. Be clear and firm, not harsh or tentative. Give the child permission to be unhappy, but not to refuse school. Don't negotiate or say anything like, "If you're still too upset, you can go to the office and call me at work."
2. When you get to school, simply carry out the plan. Coordinate matters beforehand with school personnel. Most have had considerable experience with these matters and are happy to execute the plan. As soon as the child is out of the car, leave. Don't look back. My experience, corroborated by every school person with whom I have ever discussed this, is that as soon as the parent leaves the child begins to settle and all is well within minutes if not seconds. Your presence fuels rather than calms the upset.
3. That evening, talk about the morning only if the child initiates the discussion, but make sure that any conversation underscores your clarity that school will be attended. At no time should you relax this standard, negotiate school attendance, or offer rewards simply because your child entered the building.
As the parent, you are very well-qualified to solve this problem. Your child's upset will subside in short order in the face of your clear, firm, and non-negotiable approach to this perplexing but manageable circumstance.