Stopping Sibling Fights
Chronic fighting between siblings frustrates parents and disturbs the peace of the household. In responding to these fights, parents typically fall into the “same thing over and over again” trap. Parents either ineffectually express their exasperation about the fighting or, alternatively, wade into the dispute, attempt to discern who did what to whom, and then mete out appropriate justice to the combatants.
The first approach is fruitless, because the mere expression of parental frustration is never effective. The second method is just as futile, because none of the parties involved agree on the facts of the case.
Let me offer an alternative approach with this basic tenet in mind: One person cannot effectively manage a relationship of which he or she is not a member. Thus, since the relationship between combating siblings is one of which you are not a member, you will have little success managing it.
Don’t try. Instead:
1. Let the siblings manage their own relationship. Avoid becoming involved in sibling disputes with the following two exceptions:
- There is danger of injury. And by injury I mean injury, not merely hurt. Bruises, blood, and broken bones involve injury; pinches, wet willies, and wedgies are examples of hurt.
- Your peace is being disturbed. You may wish to read the newspaper, or have a telephone conversation, or talk with your spouse in peace. You don’t want to be assaulted by the noise coming from the arguments of siblings.
If you must become involved because either of those two conditions exists:
2. Avoid getting involved in the details of their dispute. When your children argue, what looks like a two-person intervention actually involves three: the two arguing children and you. They argue with an ear turned toward your eventual intervention. So if do you get involved, don’t attempt to mediate their dispute. Simply separate them or (my personal favorite) send them outside to argue. Without your involvement, the argument will quickly die a natural death. More importantly, your response means that there will be fewer arguments in the future.