Parents often hamstring their solution-finding efforts by defining problems poorly. The first step in effective problem-solving is to define a solvable problem. Problems are solvable when they are clearly defined in a manner in which describes what you can see and hear your child do. Some examples of poorly-defined problems include:
"My son is stubborn."
"My daughter is high-strung."
"My son is immature."
"My daughter thinks she is the parent."
These problem definitions are vague and general--one person's stubbornness is another's determination. They tell us about the child generally but not in the specific fashion that solutions require. Here are some pointers when defining the problems of your children:
1. Define a solvable problem. Problems are solvable when they are clearly defined. Avoid generalized adjectives and adverbs--instead, use verbs. Middle child syndrome is not a problem; nor is immaturity or a strong will. But what your child does that suggests those conditions to you is the problem that has a solution.
2. The problem is what your child does. Thoughts and feelings are not a problem; only troublesome behavior can be. Let your children think, feel, believe, value, and prefer whatever they wish--they simply can't do whatever they want. A boy with a "lot of anger in him" is not a problem if he doesn't hit, punch, kick, scream, or throw things when angry. Low grades are not a problem, but poor school attendance and failure to do homework are.
3. Use broadcast language. When describing the problem to yourself or someone else, speak as if you are a radio announcer relaying action to an audience that cannot see it. This will force you to use specific, behavior-based language.
When you are troubled by the performance of your children, describe the problem behaviorally in terms of what you can specifically see and hear them do. Address those precise behaviors, and your problem-solving success will improve.